Across Time

Sometimes it crosses my mind.  Music is on.

And I delve into a pool of emotions.  You might ask: yeah, who hasn't?  But regardless of how many times you've dipped into this pool, it continues to churn inside your heart.  

You learn to live indepedently, then together, then independently again.  You learn to live with friends, without, then with them again.  You learn that everything is transitory no matter how long you want it to last, and everything that lasts is transitory.  

You learn that desire burns, and responsibility washes it away, that anxiety agitates, and calmness alleviates, that lust flames, and love cements, that evilness lurks in the shadow of goodness.  Still, desire explodes, anxiety is stubborn, lust bursts, evilness sustains its darkness.  I try to combat its wrath, but I also can't help but continue imagining what it would be like if I let go.

Sometimes it crosses my mind.

What is it I truly long for?  

The Round of Music

If I could explain music, I wouldn't need it anymore.  But that's not the case; the notes never stop playing in my mind. The words continue to resonate even if in real life it has silenced.  The tone melts my soul into pieces. 

The first time you listen to this piece - you're bewildered, trying to get a feel for it.  What does it mean?  How come it's so beautiful?  If there's no such thing as perfection..... no, that's impossible.  This is perfection.  It harmoniously agrees with my heart.  When I sacrifice my being to this sound, it brings me to my knees.

A pure, round teardrop escapes both eyes simultaneously.  Regardless of whether they're tears of joy or sadness, or some variation in between, it's a genuine, natural emotion.  The song has yet to reach its pinnacle, but already it's potent.  You can sense it because of its gentleness, with a stern, struck chord emphasizing its presence every so often. 

A gorgeous, round sun arises.  This ballad is about to reach its zenith.  And as it climbs to this point, vitality and strength prevails con forza.  Fortissimo.  It's astounding how invaluable such inspiration is.  Without having spent a round, Lincoln penny, the malleable mind proved once again why the willingness to change who we are is much more vital than the change that swirls around us.

A glowing, round moon ascends.  The singer's voice softens.  The words echo for one last time.  And once we have reached the last four-beat rest, there is a moment of truth - I feel the same emotions, but my perspective of life has forever altered.  Another pure, round teardrop brought me full circle.

I realize this circle is more like an oval - what I create is innately imperfect.  But despite the rough edges, steering too wide or too narrow, its presence is eminent.   

It keeps me listening for its pulse - a cadence I'll never forget.

Life as I Know It

I was asked a question the other day about my future, my life.  Do I know what I want? Do I have a plan and vision for my future?

Yes.... and no.

No, because I cannot predict the future.  No, because the mysteries of life are what keep you here.  No, because what makes you happy are the unexpected joys, and what keeps you grounded are the unexpected, but challenging obstacles.

Yes, because what keeps you anxious are the expected significant life events you will soon encounter, such as graduation, marriage, and children.  Yes, because what keeps you calm are the little pearls of truth and reality that brighten your present moment.  And if you wanted that to continue, you might as well plan a little here and there.

But that's not really an answer, is it? Understandably so.  Let me put it this way then.

When I find myself troubled, scared, afraid, frightened....

There is no plan; there is no vision.  I focus on now, so that my fears are limited, and my mind controlled.  As you adapt to this thought, you realize what you care about, because let's face it, you wouldn't be panicking if you didn't care.  And once you've hit that brick wall that tells you to stop wandering around and to take a deep breath, everything is alright again.  You value the things most important in life.  You're full of heart and goodness.  And what a relief that is.

When everything is going well? Not a complaint to be had?

Well, I don't know about you, but things are planned really quickly.  The next few weeks are scheduled, confidence as high as ever.  When you see your co-workers, you're all smiles.  When you hang out with your friends, just don' tell anyone about your embarrassing moments, or share them all have and have a great laugh!  And....

When you see a child with his or her family, you can't help but wonder what type of mother or father you could be.  They're chuckling, having the time of their lives together.  And you begin picturing that same moment a few years down the road.  I can love just as much, if not more.  I can be a better person. I can climb just as high.

If not, higher.

Some of these children grow up to be prodigies in their own respective talents, and when you witness amazing feats performed through their vitality, it inspires you.  You begin planning as if you've been planning your whole life.

So, I guess my answer to this is that I plan when I have control over it.  If the unexpected happens, I may be disappointed, but I certainly won't be discouraged.  Because I know what I believe in; I know what I'm capable of, and that is my standard.  There are two types of flaws: your flaws and your potential.

Anyway, typical interview question - where do you see yourself in five years?

Taking a Step Back

There will be times when you blunder, and you'll look back and say, "yeah that was silly of me," and eventually you laugh it off, learn from it perhaps, and it fades into your past. There will be times when devastation hits and you wonder how things went so horribly wrong, how quickly things change, right? And then, there will be times when you shouldn't feel anything at all but nevertheless, it bothers you and ruins your whole day, week, month....

How do we find that balance when we take that step back to reflect upon the situation? How do we find the strength to move on despite the unfortunate incident? Don't worry about it? It's fine; it'll just go away, or maybe I say the heck with my life and forever live in misery? Neither, because that's not balance - in neither case do we feel comfortable with our solution, and ultimately, that's the pain we suffer. In neither case will it just go away... completely.

There are many times when people regret what they did. There are many times when people wonder why they haven't changed nor improved. The other day, it hit me, nothing changes because we accept the world for what it is - it's normal that global warming is going on, it's normal that we have an energy crisis with a growing population of seven billion, it's normal to have rush hour with millions of cars and power plants all burning the earth with hell fire. It's normal that we have people dying of poverty and hunger and thirst in the dark alleys and third-world countries compounded by diseases and other fatal sicknesses. It's normal that we're not normal. It's normal that the politics implemented will be stagnant until danger erupts in the last minute, just as high school and college students study for exams and write papers the night before, sensing a threat to their grades and academic performance.

Do you know where this circles back to? Our feelings of entitlement and unbalanced movements. We're afraid, but we just scream it. We're fearful, but we just yell it. We're uncomfortable, but we just complain about it. We're unsettled, but we call that reality. We're unbalanced, but we just say anything else is ideal.

Take a step back.

You aren't here today without your past, so don't be unsettled. You wouldn't be here today without your thoughts, so don't complain. You wouldn't be here without your family, so don't be fearful. You wouldn't be here without your mind, so be greater than your voice. You wouldn't be here without your unbalanced experience, so fight for balance. Not anything else. Because you can't have love without hatred, you can't have the good without the evil, your heart is good because you acknowledge your opponent and obstacle. 

Your past may be filled with hatred and ghosts and restlessness and unforgiveable acts, but if you can believe it, that is your foundation of everything you accomplish and everything good that exists today.

The World is Love

Through the vicissitudes of life, there's never a lower point than when you're heartbroken, and never a higher pinnacle than when you're in love. But as we flounder in the ocean of emotions, which experience do we value most?

Is it the independence of this earthling that has struggled through so much, or the bonding of two soulmates that make us realize who we truly are?

Let's begin inside ourselves. Before we even laid our hands on another person whom we were infatuated by, before we even knew of such possibilities of falling in love and marriage, what was it like to be alone all that time? Do we really understand our academic success? Do we know where we have positioned ourselves? Or are we mostly intertwined in such bright, falling confetti we're not even sure what we're celebrating? Do we appreciate our accomplishments nearly as much as we should?

You're now old enough to understand basic morality. Peeking inside the family, let's say your relatives come over for a visit during break, do you notice your habits changing? Sleeping earlier perhaps? Being more polite, showing respect to your elders, in which you wouldn't show otherwise to your parents or siblings? Your relatives leave, do you remain this way? This refined and kind?

You've finally gotten a taste of your first relationship. It's mesmerizing. Perhaps it's full of mystery and questions, but when you're in the moment, none of that matters. You've been swept off your feet; it's too late to go back. If it doesn't work out, it couldn't feel much worse. If it does, jubilation and happiness.

Regardless of the outcome, love doesn't come from another being. You realize the feelings you feel, and the emotions you touch someone else with are the essence of you. Love begins when you respect yourself. It commences when you value who you are, realize the things you're capable of, visualize the mountains you can climb.

Alone.